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GOD DAMN IT. I WANT TO GO SKATE BOARDING. I WANT TO SIT AT THE BEACH AND STUDY AND DRAW AND BRING PICNICS. I WANT TO WEAR LONG FLOWY DRESSES AND PRETTY MAKEUP AND PAINT MY TOENAILS AND EAT CHEESE AND APPLES IN THE SUNSHINE. FUCK WINTER, FUCK IT, FUCK EVERYTHING, I WANT TO GO ON A PLEASANT GODDAMN STROLL AND WADE IN LAKE MICHIGAN AND READ WEIRD BOOKS IN THE DAPPLED SHADE OF FULLERTON BEACH AAAAAHHHHHHH
it’s almost 5 in the morning and I’m almost done with this assignment and then I’m going to sleep for five ish hours and then get up and present this haw haw haw I’m TIRED
and then i have to take an online exam and then go to class BUT I don’t work tomorrow night so I can to bed at like 5 pm
I’m dead I think
tonight I have to put together a 15-minute presentation for tomorrow’s Musicianship class on Arvo Part’s Magnificat Antiphons, and take an online exam for my ethics class, and write a couple really brief essays
tomorrow I need to start catching up on some papers for my class on American humor - I’ve missed two deadlines but explained my depression/anxiety issues to my professor so he’s extending my deadlines, bless his soul
I really, really want to draw comics but I don’t have time. I feel so bad. there are literally tens of thousands of people that I’ve already attracted as an audience, and I feel like I’m letting them (and myself) down by almost never posting content while school’s in session. pisses me off and makes me feel guilty all at the same time
I won’t be online super often in the next 2-3 weeks because of school and work. but then finals will be over and I can resume my life as a somewhat normal human being
I need to call my mom tomorrow and tell her I don’t want to go to school next year. that should be fun
I don’t like talking to my mom
idk I just feel really really really really burned out and apathetic about everything right now. I’m going to go research an Estonian composer with a sweet beard for a few hours. good night my sweets
In other news, I do not have enough money to survive right now and I really want to get my comics going again because a) it makes me very happy and b) it might mean making money which would mean being able to like, have a heated house and feed myself and stuff
I just have absolutely no free time or source of inspiration because I’m too busy going to school and working so I can be able to, like
….have a heated house and feed myself and stuff
SENDING YOU POSITIVE ENERGY AND I HOPE THESE 15 DAYS GO BY FAST <3333 :*
thank you thank you thank you, lovely kind soul
currently letting some caffeine and l-theanine course through my veins, reading up on indeterminacy in the work of John Cage, going to rehearsal later, working 6 hours after that, and then doing more schoolwork until I pass out. game time woop
I have so much school work to do in the next fifteen days it makes me hurt just thinking about it. I can’t take any time off of work, though, because, you know. Rent. Bills.
Last night I had a panic attack in the middle of the night and I’ve been feeling kind of off ever since. I should probably go see my therapist tomorrow.
I’m just eating a nice lunch now and going over all I have to do and trying not to let myself get lost in all this nonsense. I need to keep a clear mind so that I don’t drown in schoolwork and anxiety - and if I keep my chin up, I might even be able to pull off straight As for the quarter. We’ll see, we’ll see
Reeeeeally seriously considering taking a gap year next year. I just finished a pretty eye-opening phone conversation with my father, and some things he said struck a cord in me: I’m an adult now. I’m capable making adult decisions, I’m capable of weighing the pros and cons of the options facing me, and I’m mature enough to realize the impact that my decisions will make on my own life. If the road I’m on means getting stuck doing things that will never make me happy, it would be foolish of me to waste time and money to keep doing those things. Similarly, if opportunities to pursue things I love open up right in front of me, it’d be dumb not to go after them.
So, right now, I think that I’ll stay at my current university if I can figure out a way to get funding to switch to the program I’m interested in. If not, I’ll stick with things until the end of this year and take some gen-eds whose credits will transfer easily to other programs, and I won’t enroll for the fall. I can work full time and try to save some money, and work on investigating/applying to new programs for the following year and/or keep on working on my art and see what opportunities that brings about. If I can, I’d like to get out of town a bit - maybe go hiking in the fall if I can get the money together. We’ll see. I just think I need to take some time to thoroughly think things through before I keep throwing tens of thousands of dollars at an education that I’m completely unsure of.
someone left a bag of flamin hot cheetos up for grabs in the kitchen so I ate it and then was really thirsty so I drank like three glasses of orange juice and now I feel nauseous
I am REALLY bad at being sick
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